The day Xelloss pissed of Lsama
by deep sea dolphin
Summary: Third chapter up! What does Cephied's head lice have to do with L-sama's golden shovel?
1. The mission

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A note from deep sea dolphin:

If anyone noticed, I've changed my pen name from "**fruitcake**" to "**deep sea dolphin**". I prefer this name. ^-^

This ficcy will revolve around Xelly-poo, Zelas, Dolphin and (maybe) Sherra. A few years after TRY, Xelloss hasn't had any major assignments, so basically he's been "unemployed". One day, Zelas gives him a lil' something to do to keep him amused, and the story basically rolls from there. As this ficcy isn't fully formulated yet, I _will_ welcome any suggestions and ideas. I'll also be taking suggestions for any new ficcies.

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything substantial except for the dust bunnies under my bed.

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Introduction

It was a relatively normal day on Wolfpack Island. As usual, some stupid children wandering on the island were having their arms, legs and genitals being ripped off in the most horrible manner imaginable by Zelas' wolves. At the same time, there was an old pervert who was frolicking around happily with his mistress, who then lost control in the heights of pleasure and rolled into the murky waters. *PLOOOSH* Then, there was a lot of pain and screaming. But since they're not really significant to the story, we won't dwell on to that.

And so you see, it really was quite a nice day on Wolfpack Island.

Meanwhile, Xelloss was staring intently at the TV.

__

"…….Sarah oh Sarah! Don't die!"

"……..Oh! But darling, I've been stabbed!"

"Oh Sarah!"

"Oh John!"

As you could guess, our trickster priest was watching his favourite TV series. He wiped a tear from his eye. Unfortunately, he was so taken with Sarah and John that he was unaware of the impatient tugging inside his head which meant his master needed to see him - so unaware, in fact, that his master lost patience. 

"XELLOSS WHERE THE %$@#*& ARE YOU!!!!!! IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP IN THE NEXT 3 SECONDS I'LL TIE YOUR TESTICLES AROUND YOUR NECK FOR THE NEXT MILLENIUM AND I'LL TELL ALL YOUR SECRETS--- ", Zelas' voice thundered across the island. 

It was at this point that Xelloss decided that although he rather liked the thought of having his privates manipulated into near impossible positions (as he often so fantasized), having his secrets told to the whole world was something that just could not happen! Shuddering, he fazed into Zelas' chambers, kneeling in front of the lithe silvery-blonde, who was lazily swirling her red wine around its glass. Upon seeing her servant, she started jumping up and down on him with her high-heels even though technically she wasn't really inflicting any pain on him. But of course, Xelloss enjoyed this immensely and even made squeaking noises to oblige his master (**squeak!**).

"Well anyway," Zelas breathed heavily after satisfying herself at bashing her priest-general, "I've got a little job for you and…..Xelloss? Are you okay? SAY SOMETHING!"

At this point, Xelloss' eyes grew big and sparkly. "Squeak!"

Zelas sweatdropped and stared at chibi-Xelloss' starry look of anticipation, feeling bewildered that this freak was actually related to her. "And as I was saying," she continued, digging her heels harder into him, "the paperboy hasn't been delivering the paper lately. So I'd like you to go over to their management office and see if everything's a-oh-kay, got that?"

Silence.

Silence.

"I said---" Zelas was cut off abruptly at the sight of Xelloss' super-duper-kawaii expression. _Darn it…..he's had too much sugar……too much TV…_

"Ooohhhhh," Xelloss gushed happily, "A NEW MISSION! It's important right, Juuo-sama? Huh? HUUUUUUUH?!!!"

"Ack! Get off my leg you freak!"

Oblivious to the fact that his master was trying to pummel him into the next century, he gazed at her with an adorable puppy-dog expression.

"Ugh…..stop DROOLING on me! Yes it's important, so get OUT!" and with a final kick, he flew out of the window at an astounding speed. 

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!!!!"

Zelas blinked after a moment. The tv definitely had to go.

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Somewhere in the endless swirling madness of the sea, someone was fishing. 


	2. Xelloss drops in on Dolphin

It's been quite some time since I've updated! I was a poor victim of something called "writer's block". Eek. 

Well anyway, I've recovered and I've devoted much of this chapter to Dolphin and Xelloss. More of L-sama in the 3rd chapter – I promise!

Remember to read & review! I feed off reviews…yummy. (^-^)

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**Chapter 2**

A petite girl sat on a rock, dangling her feet in ocean. She twirled her long blue tresses absentmindedly with an innocent smile on her face. 

Something caught her eye. 

"Fishy fishy fishy…." she cooed, waving at the passing fish. "Ne? Isn't fishy fishy supposed to be extinct?"

*ZAP*

"….Oh well, _now_ you are," she giggled. (^-^) Life was indeed beautiful.

At least for Deep Sea Dolphin, that is.

But she was bored. Killing supposedly extinct fish and luring stupid sailors to their deaths just wasn't fun anymore! What was an insane Dark Lord to do? Could she visit Dynast? Nope. She sniffed sadly, drawing her knees to her chin as she remembered Dynast had thrown her out of his palace for drawing on the walls with permanent marker pens. "Dynast no play with Dolphin anymore…Dynast meanie. MEANIE!" (u.u)

That didn't leave many other options - Gaav and Phibby were officially DEAD, and Shabby wasn't really in the condition to "play", considering he had been cut up into 7 pieces and scattered across L-sama-knows-where…which only left one final option:

Zelas.

"Ugly Zelas steals Dolphin's sparkly bracelets…not nice!" the blue haired girl huffed to herself, crossing her arms. (.) 

She then decided to wallow in angst and self-pity for the rest of the millenium whilst taking a trip down Memory Lane, recalling the many many times in which "Meanie Zelas" had stolen her nice dresses and jewelry. That way, she wouldn't be bored! She nodded solemnly. "Hmm…yup! Dolphin do that and very happy!" (^-^)

So wallow in angst and self-pity she did. Shabby would've been so *cough* _proud_ *cough* to know how his creations were spending their time if he weren't so busy writhing about in his grave. (-.-);

But Dolphin was busy, and that was what mattered most (according to her, anyway)! So busy, in fact, that she didn't notice the small purple blob in the sky falling at full speed towards her. 

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~"

She glanced upwards. "Ne---?"

*CRASH* *BANG* *CLANG*

After Dolphin's eyes finished being @_@, she became delighted when she noticed who had paid her a "visit". "Xelly-poo come to see Dolphin!" she beamed, immediately attaching herself to Xelloss' waist. This was so much better than thinking about that fat ugly Zelas! (^0^)

"What the ---" the trickster priest was cut off when he realised who was hanging on to his waist. "Kai…..Kai-ouu sama?!"

"Xelly-poo visit Dolphin! Dolphin happy happy!" (^0^)

As much as Xelloss wanted to go "Noooooooooooo" with a matching expression to go with it, his rational side reminded him: NEVER piss off a Dark Lord. That incident with Gaav was rather painful in itself. Not to mention that it was an INSANE Dark Lord he was dealing with at the present. He shuddered. It was probably suicidal to offend Deep Sea Dolphin.

"Good afternoon Kai-ouu sama!" He forced on his best genki-expression. (n.n) Maybe he could run off while she wasn't looking…

The insane Dark Lord squealed with delight. Her Xelly-poo looked so kawaii!!!! Wait…did she say "her" Xelly-poo? She sniffed a little. Nope, Xelly-poo belonged to that mean ugly Zelas who probably never even let him go on a vacation! That was so unfair! (.) Just look at that pained expression on Xelly's face - that meanie Zelas must have been treating him very badly! Probably didn't even feed him and locked him in a big big scary dungeon! Yup, that must be it! That's why Xelly-poo was here - he was running away from that ugly meanie! Dolphin pondered for a while. But if that was the case…..if that was the case….

Then Xelly-poo could play with Dolphin! And live happily ever after forever and ever and ever and ever! "Oooohh…Dolphin bad," she tittered quietly to herself, "Dolphin very bad…hee hee hee."

Xelloss backed away in uncertainty. Not that he could back away very far, considering he was on a rock in the middle of the ocean. He didn't know what was going on in Dolphin's warped mind, and he certainly wasn't going to wait around to find out. It was most likely another one of her I've-lost-my-marbles ideas to make him spend "quality" time with her. He felt a cold shiver down his spine as he recalled the time she had forced him to…..wait, he wasn't supposed to talk about that. There was only one way out of this situation. "Well, I guess it's time for me to phase out and go on with my business! Ju-ouu sama has sent me on an important secret mission!" he announced brightly, prying the Dark Lord's arms off his waist. 

But after successfully doing so, Dolphin turned into a 2 foot-tall chibi and glomped him neck. "Xelly with Dolphin stay…no mission!"

"Xelly go mission--" Gah! He was starting to speak like Dolphin! He shook his head. Dolphin-speak was definitely contagious, though he might as well speak in a way that Dolphin could understand or he'd spend the whole day trying to get understood.

"Mission what kind? Tell Dolphin."

The priest-general wagged his finger. "Sore wa himistu desu!" He just loved that catch-phrase. It made him feel so mysterious and sexy - and gals loved that, right? (n.n)

"Why secret?"

"Secret mission!"

"Do what?" (o_O)

"Work." he replied curtly to his own horror before he could stop himself. Dolphin squealed with delight. She was finally getting somewhere! And she was determined to find out. Everyone told her their stuff after a while. Anyway, it wasn't nice to keep secrets from your friends, and Dolphin was a friend! (^-^) 

"What kind?" she pressed on, snuggling against Xelloss' hair. Purple hair was nice! It reminded her of big round grapes during the summer time….

"Secret stuff!" 

"Awww…what secret stuff?"

"Very secret stuff!"

"What very secret stuff?"

"Really very very secrety stuff!" (n.n)

"What really very very secrety stuff?" This game was fun! Maybe this would go on for eternity….which was for…. how long? Dolphin wasn't sure, but she knew it was for a long long time, and she had **all** the time in the world, which was okie-dokie with her! (O_o)

Xelloss twitched. How long did she want to do this?! He sighed, exasperated as the chibi Dark Lord gazed at him expectantly with large shiny blue eyes. 

"Xelly play with Dolphin?" she tilted her head slightly, looking extremely lovable and cute. The priest-general stared at her, wondering at her impossibly high-level of cuteness that was practically **oozing** out of her. Ick. (O.O)

He decided to remain silent. Yes, that's what he'd do. Just remain silent, and maybe she'd leave him alone.

Maybe. Please?

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In the sea of chaos sat a woman who shone golden. 

From time to time she would huff and sigh, tapping her foot impatiently, drumming her fingers on the stone hand rest of her throne. 

One might have expected being the Lord of Nightmares would be an interesting and exciting job at the very least. But noooooo….all these few billion years, the most exciting thing had been to enter Lina's body and kill Phibby in the most horrible way possible. After all, the stress had to go somewhere, right?

There was just no other polite way to put it – L-sama was damn bored.

_That's it!_ she thought, _I'm going to go out and do something fun!_

And so a plan was formulated inside her mind.


	3. Lsama, her shovel, and Cephied's head li...

Hey-ho! I seem to have this habit of not updating my stuff for a LONG time, but that's mostly 'coz my computer is kinda weird and so when I upload it, all these funny symbols come up where it shouldn't. That's why I'm uploading my stuff at school, where the computers are more normal. This time, I've added in Cephied and Shabby - yes, it's OOC and what I write below would probably never happen in a zillion years....but hey, someone's gotta do it and get bashed for it, right? *does a happy dance*  
  
I know it sounds repetitive, but I really must thank not only those who have reviewed, but also bothered to read my stuff. I read other people's fics, but almost never review due to laziness (though I occasionally review if the story is finished or when I have some spare time on my hands). So I don't expect many reviews anyway, given the large chunk of Slayers fics that pop around everyday. But if you think my fic is worth it, then you're welcome by all means to review. And believe me, I'll always read your stuff afterwards (even if I never review).  
  
.....I'm watching you.....buwhahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gets hit by a passing truck*  
  
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Chapter 3  
  
L-sama inspected her shovel carefully for the millionth time that morning. It hadn't been used for almost an eternity, but it was still as good as new! Feeling rather pleased with herself, she took a few practice swings with it, accidentally sending a vase on to the floor. (Oops.) A teenage boy poked his head into the room and squeaked when he saw what happened. At the sight of the mess on the floor, he held his face with both hands dramatically and fell daintily on to the floor. "Mommeee," he whined tearfully, "you broke my toy." He sniffled a little, picking up the pieces from the floor. His creator sweatdropped as her 'son' huddled in a dark corner with depression lines surrounding him, wiping an actual tear from his eye. "...and it was an ancient artifact from the Kouma Wars too!" (T-T)  
  
"..........."  
  
At this point, Shabranigdo decided to poke his head into the room to see what all the commotion was about. "Who's lost their marbles this time?" he chirped in a sing-song voice, absolutely delighted that his stupid goody- goody-two-shoes brother was upset. Cephied dear was such a delicious buffet. (^-^) L-sama waved her shovel threateningly in his face. "Shabby don't you DARE bully your brother!" (T_T) As much as Shabranigdo wanted to point out that he wasn't the one to break Cephied dear's precious little toy, the sight of a shovel - no, rather, THE golden shovel - gleaming in his creator's hands assured him that it wasn't the wisest thing to contradict her. Particularly if you were 1/7 dead. Reluctantly, he patted his brother's shoulder and said the nicest words a Mazoku could muster without injuring his dignity: "Don't cry."  
  
No sooner had he said those words, Cephied pulled him into a tight embrace and sobbed, "M-m-my t-t-toy! Oh Shabby! You're the be-be-bestest brother in the en-en-entire universe! Shabby?"  
  
The Mazoku looked quite ill and ready to spew out last night's dinner and all the other meals he'd eaten since he was created. ::I'm gonna die! Again! I'm going to be 2/7 dead! Someone please whack him with a shovel - or anything at all! I need to retch....I need to puke....I need to...:: He fell on to the floor in frozen shock, overwhelmed by the flying emotions of happiness, love and white fluffy super-bunnies-that-save-the-world. Even L- sama was sweatdropping more profusely than ever. However, Cephied seemed oblivious to why everyone was looking sick and scratched his head in a dumbfounded manner.  
  
No sooner had he done so, a herd of lice jumped from his head on to L- sama's golden shovel.  
  
The Lord of Nightmares, known as the mother of all things, the essence of all good and evil, the golden lord held in respect and awe of all....twitched. All the hairs on the back of her neck were raised. She shook uncontrollably, her head bowed. She tightened her grip on her shovel. Shabby and Cephied hugged each other in sheer terror as she advanced menacingly towards them.......  
  
Somewhere in the cold icy North, Dynast Grausherra looked up at the sky. "I think I hear screaming, Sherra" he mused.  
  
---  
  
"Wuuhyy?"  
  
"Because it's a secret!"  
  
"But wuuuhhyy?"  
  
"Because secrets are supposed to be kept secret!"  
  
"But wuuuhhy?"  
  
"If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, right?"  
  
"But wuuuuuuuhhhyy?"  
  
"Because that's what secrets are for!"  
  
"But WUUUUHHHHHYYY?"  
  
"ARRGGHHH WELL JUST BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A chibi Xelloss stamped his foot in frustration. How long was Dolphin going to follow him?! (.) It had already been FIVE whole painful days with an equally chibi Dolphin latched on to his shoulder. And it certainly didn't look like it was going to end anytime soon either. "Xelly-poo with Dolphin stay forever and ever and ever!" Dolphin stated as-a-matter-of-factly in her most solemn voice. "Play with Dolphin and fishies!"  
  
"No"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"No"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"No"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"No"  
  
"No "  
  
"Yes......shit."  
  
---  
  
"Now I want you both to behave. This means, no hurting each other, no killing parts off each other, and no verbal taunting - especially you, Shabby. When I come back I want my palace in ONE UNHARMED PIECE, got that?"  
  
Shabranigdo and Cephied nodded mutely, holding ice bags to their heads whilst their creator droned on and on about what they weren't allowed to do for the next two hours.  
  
".......no watching tv, no browsing of pornographic sites, no icq, no msn, no bidding on ebay, no swearing, no magic, and no inviting friends over. I think I've summed it all up. Any questions?"  
  
"Can I take Zannafar out for a walk?"  
  
"Shabby dear," L-sama replied sweetly, "would you like me to put my shovel up your rear end?"  
  
"Umm....no."  
  
"Then things are going to be just fine," she smiled dangerously, "Right?"  
  
Shabranigdo nodded, nervously eyeing the golden shovel.  
  
After all, things were going to be just fine.  
  
---  
  
Reviews and comments are most welcomed! Flames will be used to roast Shabby and Xelly-poo for eternity! Yum...*rubs hands with glee* 


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